And It Has A Name

I've been feeling like crapola for months and months and months now. Really, if I'm honest, it's been a couple of years of feeling like absolute crap. I'm tired. All the time. My muscles ache all over. Like I've got the flu, only I don't. I've gone to my doctor's to complain countless times. Each time getting a brush off; sent for blood tests that never show anything is wrong. Or, I get the weight lecture. Like I'm an idiot and don't know how large I am and am apparently so uneducated that I don't possibly know what that can do to my heart, my joints, my entire well-being.

Ya. So, after suffering all these long months, my pain finally has a name; and it's name is fibromyalgia.

I got the diagnosis on Tuesday. I cried when I heard it.

I'm not sure why I cried. I don't know if it was relief or fear.

Part of my tears were relief. I finally have a name to give my pain. I'm not imagining it. It's real. It's there. And it hurts. A lot. A lot of the time.

And there's the fear. Why do I have this? What can I do to treat it? Will it work? Will I continue to be in pain?

I also cried because the rheumatologist was an idiot. I just couldn't figure out if he was telling me I have fibro because he wanted an "easy out" and didn't really believe me, or what. I just felt so stupid in his office. He talked out of both sides of his mouth and he drove me nuts trying to figure it all out.

Oh, and I cried because my prescription for dealing with this pain? Exercise. Yep. No, no pills for me. Nope. HE doesn't believe in them for this. Ah...ok, jackass, but it's ME who is in pain--NOT you! Apparently I don't need to see him again. I can go to my PCM. Great. Maybe then I can get some pain meds. Oh, and the kicker! He wants me off Ambien. He thinks I'm addicted. Uh huh. Me. Addicted. Right--because filling my 'script for 30 pills 6 weeks ago with maybe 14 gone total makes me an addict. Whatever, asshole! Oh, but the fact that I sleep like crap doesn't matter. The fact I wake up more tense than when I went to bed doesn't matter. Nor the fact that the better sleep I get, the less pain I feel. But, apparently, I'm an addict so I need to be off it.

So, for two days now, I've been exercising. I must admit; I do feel pretty good after exercising. Maybe all the endorphins flooding my system are numbing my pain sensors. I'm cool with that. But after a whole day, I start to hurt again. Now it's the fibro pain mixed with the exercise pain. But, according to him, my PCM can figure out what to give me if I hurt. Again, whatever, jackass.

I'm going to try his way for a month. If after a month I still hurt, I'm going to see my PCM and get something. Thankfully, I never need to see him again...asshole!