Prostate and bladder cancer, to be exact. He called me about ten minutes ago to let me know. He wanted to talk to Robin, but Robin's at work. I think he's in shock. I know I'd be in shock if I were told I had cancer.
The word 'cancer' scares me. It's scarey. It's an unknown entity. Will the cancer spred? Will the doctors be able to get rid of it? If it is cured, will it come back again? Will it be worse the second time around? It totally scares me and I'm scared for my father-in-law. I'm scared for his wife, Judy. I'm scared for my husband. I don't want him to experience the pain of losing a parent. It just isn't fun. Grief floods in at you at the oddest times. You can't control it. You wish for make-ups in your life when you review your memories and recall with shame how you treated your parent or how completely ridiculous you were at some point in your life when you thought you were so cool, so smart, so with it. I'm scared for my children. I'm scared about how I am supposed to tell them that PopPop is sick. That PopPop may die and go to Heaven to be with God like Nonna did. They didn't know my mother very well. In fact, the boys never met her as she died about a month before they were born. It will be confusing to them. I don't want them to have pain either.
As much as my father-in-law has caused me angst and annoyance over the past 6.5 years of marriage, I don't dislike him or wish him ill. It breaks my heart for him. I wish this wasn't the diagnosis. I wish there were words of comfort I could say to him. "Sorry" just doesn't seem to be enough. It's so...incomplete. How do you express your shock and sadness about his news? How do you express to someone how much they mean to you and that you don't not want them in your life when you hear "cancer"? "Sorry" just doesn't seem to do justice to a life lived over 80 years. What has to be going through his head? How sad must both he and Judy feel right now? "Sorry" is too weak a word to be of any comfort. It feels awful to feel so powerless over cancer.
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Sorry about all the bad news. I have firsthand experience with the bladder cancer (early stages) and recently a brother in law was diagnosed with advanced prostate cancer. The only way I could help my sister+brother in law was to find information for them. Options for treatments and explained in easy to understand terms. It is all I could do while quietle waiting for my own results (caught early). Bladder cancer has a high recurrence rate so for that purpose checking every 3 months will be required (I believe for life).
Wishing you strength in dealing with all this, it will not be easy for the patient involved.
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